Dear Avi and Adele:
My husband of 10 years looks at other women when we go out even though we have a loving relationship. I know it’s probably normal, but it annoys me. What should I do?
– Jewishly Jealous
Dear Jealous:
Your brain is already saying that you acknowledge that you’re not the only female on the planet. That it’s “probably normal” that your husband has 20/20 vision and can see that there are other women within 20 feet of him. That something about this still annoys you.
Anytime we get annoyed about something, it’s usually coming from one of a couple of deeply human places. Avi says that these little annoyances stem from our own insecurities. So the bell goes off in your head anytime hubby’s gaze goes across the shul to 24-year-old Shayna, the buxom and bubbly youth director, jumping to that dark and ugly place wherein lie negative self-talk like, “She’s so much more buxom and bubbly than I; he surely would love someone so buxom and bubbly.”
Adele agrees, but also thinks that sometimes those things that most bother us about others are telling us something that we are perhaps bothered at in ourselves. Are you a little perturbed that his eye wanders because your eye has ever wandered? Perhaps you felt guilty when you noticed that your trainer is super hot and therefore wish he felt guiltier about having full range of motion in his ocular muscles?
You can surely discuss this annoyance with dear hubby, but before you do we highly recommend figuring out why it bothers you so much. It could be a mix of anything from jealousy, to distrust, to your own feelings of guilt about fantasizing about another man. Get right with yourself before you try to make this right with hubby, otherwise your conversation will resemble the Hindenburg: full of good intentions, but also full of explosive gas.
Livin’ and lovin’,
Avi and Adele
To submit questions to Avi and Adele, e mail aa@letmypeoplegrow.org. Please go to www.letmypeoplegrow.org – a blog dedicated to cultivating Jewish conversations on topics that matter, while educating, entertaining and engaging our national Jewish community.
