Dear Avi and Adele:
I’m a 24 year-old woman who recently had a troublesome dating experience. An older guy I met at a recent Jewish young adult happy hour asked me for my number. He called me a few days later and asked me to go out with him the Saturday evening of that week. I agreed and we set a time and a place. He said he would call me the day before to confirm all of the plans. Well, guess what? I never heard from him. AT ALL. What chutzpah!!!
I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt – maybe he had a last minute shiva to attend or he choked on a piece of matzo – but my friends say “NO WAY.” What do you think I should do? Should I tell him that I’m going to blacklist him on J-date so that he never gets a date here ever again? I know I’m probably going to run into him again, but I want him to know I’m upset that he didn’t even call and I want to know what’s the right thing to do.
-Need a Mensch with Manners
Dear Need a Mensch:
No stand up guy will stand you up. But you’re not off the hook here either. Avi and Adele are particularly against reinforcing stereotypical gender roles and you’re no exception. You had a guy make plans with you? Great! You didn’t confirm? Tough luck.
Think about it like you are at work. If you had scheduled a meeting with a new client, how would the days leading up to the meeting go? Would you schedule it, then just sit back and wait for the client to do all the heavy lifting of contacting you? Surely not. Would you show up at some place just hoping your client will join you in a great corned beef sandwich and watch you consume multiple matzo balls? Surely not. Once an agreement to meet has been made, each participant can feel free to confirm, formulate and mold the plans.
Why the business motif? Because dating is best handled like a business. It’s a serious endeavor (for some) that can only cause you tsuris (trouble) and headache if poorly managed.
So, what you could have done in this situation? You could have called him the day before “just confirm.” In this communiqué (no matter if it’s by J-date message, phone call, text or written on stone tablets), you could also let him know that you have another hot prospect on the hook so if you don’t connect by sun-up Friday, you’re sure to be unavailable. He need not know that your hot prospect may very well be watching “Don’t Mess with the
Zohan” for the 12th time. This moves the game forward, which is what it’s all about.
And if you still don’t hear from him? Let him know how lame he is! He’ll ignore the message anyway and you’ll feel better. Happy prospecting!
Livin’ and Lovin’,
Avi and Adele
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